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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25236472">the one with river and rose</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/'>Anonymous</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Doctor Who (2005)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Character Bashing, Deliberate Badfic, Dildos, F/F, Implied Sexual Content</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 03:35:26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>600</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25236472</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
      <p>prompt: Any, any, epithets referring to age, height and/or hair colour (the taller/older man, the blonde)</p>
    </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>River Song/Rose Tyler</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Anonymous, fic_promptly Fills 2014</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>the one with river and rose</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>prompt: Any, any, epithets referring to age, height and/or hair colour (the taller/older man, the blonde)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Beautiful blonde Rose Tyler was the Doctor's one and only love.  They kissed so he could save her life from the Bad Wolf thing, you know.  Forget that she even once had a boyfriend named Mickey--who cares about him?  Even when he regenerated, he was in love with the blonde.  So much that she was secretly offended when the Doctor betrayed Rose and admitted to having a thing with Reinette.  The Doctor should've known better.  </p>
<p>So how could the Doctor forget about Rose when he was having this thing with this old woman with the big hair that they call River Song.  She popped up, like, once, during Rose's Doctor's time.  And she died!  But somehow, she came back and she wasn't a big-haired ghost.  (Can ghosts have big hair?  Apparently.)  And the woman with the big hair kept coming back.  But she was only there to heal the wounds the Doctor felt when he lost the blonde.  Of course.  That's why the woman with the big hair kept coming back and not dying and becoming a big haired ghost for good.</p>
<p>Rose always knows when the Doctor has a new girlfriend, so she knew about River Song.  She wondered what would happen if this pretender to the throne of being the metaphorical queen to the Doctor's king would appear in her life.  And she did, the woman with the big hair. </p>
<p>The woman with the big hair was amoral, much less moral than Rose.  So she stole things.  The woman with the big hair stole the Tardis a lot, along with other things.  So she stole the Tardis and some other stuff coming up soon in the story and appeared one day when Rose was at home in London in her apartment thingy.  </p>
<p>Rose was furious!  How dare this woman who claimed to be having sex with the Doctor appear in her life suddenly!  She fumed up to the Tardis.</p>
<p>"You leave my man alone!" the blonde said to the woman with the big hair.</p>
<p>"No you leave my man alone!" the woman with the big hair said.</p>
<p>"No you!" the blonde said.</p>
<p>"No you!" the woman with the big hair said, "Wait.  I've got an idea."</p>
<p>"What?"</p>
<p>"We should have sex."</p>
<p>"Huh?"</p>
<p>"I went to Planet Dildotopia and I got a lot of strap-on dildos and stuff.  I hide them from Dad."  (Dad in this case was whatever Doctor she stole the Tardis from.  It's not creepy at all.  No, seriously, it was in The husbands of River Song, you know, the woman with the big hair.)  "We can have sex and stop fighting because fighting about the Doctor is stupid."</p>
<p>"What if I don't like the dildos?"</p>
<p>"Oh, you'll like them."</p>
<p>"You should take me back and apologise if I don't like the dildos, woman with the big hair," the blonde said."</p>
<p>"I promise you'll like these dildos.  I promise."</p>
<p>Rose stepped into the Tardis to try on the dildos.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The blonde and the woman with the big hair came back after a few minutes.  They had huge smiles on their faces. </p>
<p>"Wow, you were right, River," the blonde said.  "The dildos were much more fun than fighting about who loves the Doctor more."</p>
<p>"Told you." The woman with the big hair said.</p>
<p>"I think we should stay in the Tardis a big longer," the blonde said.</p>
<p>"Yes, we should," the woman with the big hair said.</p>
<p>And so the woman with the big hair and the blonde had sexytimes in the Tardis for a quite long while, and this fixed their fighting about the Doctor.</p>
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